this is where i will keep my thoughts of the love of my life. Her name is Anna Mcguinn, she has been my partner of 21 years and my current fiancée who has destroyed my life and is seeing another man she works with at the walla walla clinic. this isn’t the first one either, there was another not long ago. At the clinic aswell  but i’ve just found this out on friday 6/6/25

i will update this as soon as i can think straight. 6/8/2025 – Derrick

6/9/25
she is still saying i love you but not trying to keep me from leaving.
it seems to mostly be about the money that is making her less warm about trying to keep me around.
every time she give me a payment she gets colder. a couple days ago it was “dont bother packing you’ll be back anyway”.
now its a good idea for me to get a gaming monitor for pendleton.

she said its ok i can just take what i need and get the rest later to save the trouble of moving it all back.
a gaming pc and some clothes is all i really need, and im not even a gamer but guess i will have to become one to pass the time.

if she had a heart and wanted to try and be decent she would beg forgiveness and quit seeing this max guy but wont.
its been so long together i would forgive but not forget. and things would be different but probably in a good way that would prevent things from
getting the way they did. there has been no yelling and things seem pretty normal around the house, she hides and texts him. i say it makes me jelous.
guess im just a loyal dog

6/10/25

she said she loved me back today but becomes increasingly hostile about the money.

she will be home soon and i’ll have dinner waiting for her. she said she would tell her guy shes been engaged this whole time on tuesday, and its tuseday. i’ll ask but she will probably say to keep out of her business again.i doubt she will tell him.

i was thinking today when i almost walked out on Christmas because i found a sex hookup site on the computer on christmas. she said she was looking at all the losers for laughs. but that was in between the last one she fucked a bunch of times and this new one.

**

she came home for dinner, i made tacos. she mashed hers up on the plate and ate it as quickly as possible. she was obviously upset. it’s about the money. i told her she could get it back, and i was willing to forgive and try and save this. her response was “not interested” . after that i went silent because i was hurt and she said she feels trapped in the house and is happier when im not there. .. then said that was evil to say. i told her we both enjoy our time alone. and i would leave for the night.

after i packed up she kind of back tracked a little on the not interested part, and i asked if i should bring my computer back and she said it was fine. i said i would be back tomorrow to make dinner and i’ll bring the computer… it has home assistant and regulates the temperature in the house. i told her i loved her and got a side hug and maybe a peck… then she said i love you too… just so confusing. i’ll always love her.. guess its time to get blasted out on the carport in pendleton.

ohh and she was supposed to tell him about me today but said he hasnt talked to him, yeah right.

i texted her: goodnight i love you sweet dreams see you tomorrow

anna: goodnight. sweet dreams

me: nothing else?

anna: i dont know

anna: love you

me: thank you xoxox

**

talked to the old man a while and he ended up very angry with me and has lost respect for me. his responses to what I’ve said were very different than what he would of said, and said I’m a cunt. but he is right i shouldn’t drive back to town tomorrow to make her sloppy joes and let her have power over me with bringing my computer back.even though i need it to work my night job.. the one i only do to make money in order to live up to some kind of high standard she has. just wants me to live free in pendleton and bee free of the lying wh**. i’ve got a golden coin to do with whatever i want.. but all i want is her. thats why hes so mad… he called back a while later and apologized and i said hes right and i dont know anything else to say but i love you man, he said i love you too, we both laughed and said goodnight

**

this is shit for sure, she must have some reason to keep me coming back there. its probably a power trip over me and she knows how good i am at fixing anything and needs me there for that. and the money that means nothing to me. just a ticket to keep her happy. i also said i’d come back home and cook her sloppy joes for dinner.

*******

i been sitting and crying and decided to send her this text:

here i am, waiting for one last chance.
because this time we’ve got nothing left to lose and everything is ruined.
The end is where we begin!!
we got a long,long way to go together still.

********

i guess it was only successful for so long is because she isolated me and exploited my abilities, and ignored me as a human, giving just enough to get the advantages. while i slept alone in the basement watching porn because she wasnt in the mood while i went out and tried to make it better and she fucked around on me. im listening to johnny cash. and i really like the choice in wearing black and dark colors only the past decade. she can have my empire of dirt. i am still right here

6/11/25

i drank 17 beers last night and stayed up till 4 am.

she texted me to see if i was alive, i told her i loved her and she said it back. then she said this: ” i feel like i need another night to myself. i want to just do more thinking”

a while later i asked if i needed to find a girlfriend and she said no

she has quit responding after work and i think she is out with him –

she responded after 1:40 said she wanted to be alone and was at home, i told her i’d leave her alone. she called at 8:45 and we talked for about 20 minutes i told her i loved her and she wouldnt say it back and i asked why and she brought up the money. i explained to her that it was mine and i gave it to her with the expectation of building a life together and that didnt happen, and i would use it to build my own life unless she could make me believe that we could build a future together again. after that she calmed down with the chance of the money back and told me she loves me too. i also asked if i need to find a girlfriend again and she said yeah, so i jokingly told her i choose you and that “i’ll make you mine” and that i would defend my choice and fight any challengers. then bragged “im a monster” she really didnt like this and got upset and said i know you will fight. i told her im grown up now and dont break things and am not violent, I’ve matured. -“no you will”

oh well, yeah i can push over most anyone and usually the smartest guy in the room, and she always told me “you are the smart one” its fine i know when im not, and im trying to be more friendly to people i know and i admit some of them are smarter than me. i talked to the old man again and told him i planned on asking her to go to the store to pick out new clothes. he was very upset by this when he asked why and i told him “i want to attract her back and if i cant, then her type”… didnt go over well. but he did suggest i go to a salon or something and get my appearance worked on, and i think its a good idea.

i’ll head back to walla walla tomorrow and she still says i can keep my stuff there. also i might have fried my diesel truck’s transmission by driving in 2nd and flooring it because i was so upset and didnt know.. and my main rig the f150 has 319,000 miles on it and i wont be fixing it anymore, so maybe fucked.

hopefully she continues to be decent to me because i have proof of multiple hipaa violations if things get ugly but i know they wont as long as i stay cool

i texted her this at 11pm :

Hey Anna,
I don’t think you fully know how much I love you. You’ve been the most important person in my life for over 20 years. You’re not just someone I care about—you’re everything to me.

I still believe in us. I know I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve changed, and I’d do anything for a real chance to rebuild. Not to go back—just to start fresh, better.

Even if you don’t feel the same, I needed you to know that. You’ll always have my heart.

—Derrick

6/12/25

she didnt really respond to the text, i asked if it was worth reading and she said “thats sweet that you said i will always have your heart”

today has been tough, i drove back to walla walla in the afternoon and cut the grass and got the server running again. before dinner time i texted her and told her im gonna start cooking. she said she works late…. then said she will get her own food…… then said she was going to go sit and be alone after work. i know its a lie so i asked if i should just leave and she said yes. i said i would come back tomorrow

she later called and pretty much begged to go on a date with him this weekend, i said i couldn’t agree to that. she also begged me to not tell him about us. she kept saying she has feelings for him and dont want to upset him. she said other things like she dont want me back and is now free and such..

she began texting again asking if i hate her, so i told her to call.  she of course asked about going on the date again, and i told her that i dont care anymore and your going to anyway. so you wont see me again except when we put max down.. not her guy,, max the dog. she asked if im gonna just drink in pendleton every night and i said yep, she said no harshly. so i laughed.  guess that’s it. we did tell eachother i love you a couple times for what its worth.

i texted her this:

Anna,
I’ve been trying to hold it together, to show you the depth of how much I love you, but I can’t pretend anymore. Watching you chase someone else while asking me to keep your secrets is more than I can take.

You were my whole life. I gave you everything—my heart, my loyalty, my time. And even now, I came back and mowed the lawn, fixed the server, and tried to make dinner. Still trying to care. Still trying to matter.

But I see now that you’ve already moved on, and I need to face that, even if it breaks me.

I’m not going to be part of the lie anymore. I’m not going to watch you give your heart to someone else while asking me to stay silent in the background.

You were everything to me. You still are. But I have to let go now.
Goodbye, Anna. I’ll be here when it’s time to say goodbye to Max.
After that, I’m gone.

—Derrick

6/13/25

we did say i love you on those phone calls yesterday, and i guess thats the last time for saying that to her. i’ve silenced all her notifications and dont intend on interacting with her anymore i’ll get my things out when she is at work. she did text asking to know if im ok and i responded i am not.  im still drinking heavily 16-17 a night and am not really functional, its been enough days that im going to get very sick when i quit.

that begging to go on a date and keep myself a secret was too much and is unforgiveable.

*** these were the texts and i’ll paste my response at the end

i sent this

You said you realize now that you were my life. But the truth is — you were. I loved you more than anything. I gave everything I had to you. But I don’t think I was ever your life. If I had been, you wouldn’t have asked me to leave so you could go on a date with someone else. That was the most painful thing anyone has ever done to me. You talk like I still matter, but your actions made it clear I don’t. You were everything to me, and I was just an option to you. I won’t be a backup, a secret, or an option. I deserved better than this, and you know it.

And through all of this, I need you to know: I never meant to hurt you. No matter how upset or broken I’ve felt, I never wanted to cause you pain. I’ve only ever wanted to love you.